Long Time - No Posts....

Hey guys! Sorry I have been so MIA lately in writing on this platform. It is probably because I am trying my darndest to get myself graduated by August - and to get good grades as I do so. However, I wanted to let you know that I am still alive and well. In fact I just recently wrote an essay for one of my classes that I wanted to share with you. Here it is:

Layers

I spent all morning--well the entire hour and a half that I was allotted--getting ready. I put my makeup on liberally and picked out an outfit--which was chosen due to the fact that it had been about a week since I had worn that specific combination before--of a knee length denim skirt and a black-striped long-sleeved shirt. It was the one day each week that I knew we were seeing other missionaries who, like me had left their homes for a period of time to share their beliefs. People I would want to keep as friends after this whole experience in Canada was over. Maybe it was because I was nearing the end of my mission or maybe it was because my desire to go out in the snow was lacking, but I felt the need to really pay attention to my appearance before any meeting with other missionaries. In this mission experience that I was a part of, I had met a lot of individuals who judged each missionary’s actions based on the way that they dressed. Hence, maybe this judgment was the true reason why I was so worried about what my appearance was saying to others of what kind of missionary I strived to be .

 I peered out the small kitchen window to see a cascade of snow falling onto the ground outside. The powdered snow encased each of the trees that had previously been bare. It was almost transformative the way that this new layer of snow changed the landscape from just hours before. It felt similar to the way I always felt putting on the appropriate mission attire and forcing my way out into the world, layering my personality with expectations placed upon myself and with stereotypes that I was supposed to fulfill. Time stood still as I recollected the transformation I had experienced since beginning this journey nearly an entire year ago. Longer skirts were a given, whereas changes regarding my poise and the manner in which I spoke to individuals shifted entirely into a person whom I felt better exemplified the role as “Representative of Jesus Christ”. Large amounts of California surfing slang were erased and replaced with delicate and polite words that would profess sincerity and concern for those I came in contact with. Ultimately these seemingly small changes began to slowly cover and hide the true nature of who I had always professed to be as a person. Dwelling on this fact often led to feelings of anger and disdain towards the necessities of certain aspects of my role as a missionary. I could not allow this to be a part of my day. So instead I noticed the steady snowfall and noted to myself that it was most likely not a good idea to wear my hair in a time consuming manner or spend any more time trying to tame it into what I hoped would be considered an attractive styling. 

Snow snow snow. That is all this wretched country seemed to produce from the months of October to late April, early May depending on where you were located. Large cities in Canada can receive an average of almost 7 feet of snow in a year. The snow fall quickly piles up on roads, sidewalks, lawns, and houses. The large amounts of snow they receive have become their habitual culture. As if their calendars signal to the heavens saying something along the lines of “Halloween is coming, better dust off the old snow gear”. 

Just as one associates sunshine and heat to places such as Arizona and the Sahara Desert, Canada is known for its large snowfall and cold temperatures (with a large population of individuals in the United States of America actually believing that Canadians still live in igloos). This was not some front that they put up to deter people from coming and inhabiting their land, such as occurred among the Vikings when they were claiming Iceland for themselves. The Vikings purposefully named the most fertile and beautiful piece of land they had discovered as a place which upon just knowing the name, Iceland, would not have easily indicated as such. By doing so, they hoped to deter their enemies from coming and trying to take over their land. There is no specific deterrent in the name Canada, which is probably why almost 38 million people choose to inhabit what I consider to be a frozen wasteland. I hated it, and by it I mean the countless snow days where we were expected to go out and meet people. The days where we were supposed to look cheerful and friendly and presentable (which, mind you was everyday) despite a massive snow storm, in which I had no desire to be any of those adjectives. 

The snow continually cast a feeling of frustration upon me as I knew the need to consciously adorn myself with more and more layers increased. An abominable snowwoman I always thought afterwards. No one will look at you when you’re dressed like that, which I guess was the point of life as a missionary but it went completely against who I was internally. In my desire to live a perfectly devoted and Christlike life, I felt the overwhelming need to cover my personality. My personality was usually positive, to which you may laugh as the tone of this entire piece is negative, and full of vibrancy. Bright colors and eccentric fabrics were my go to, as well as any excuse to be anything but ordinary. I liked to stand out. However, due to the fact that I was not just representing myself in this foreign land, I was adorning my family name and to only increase the pressure of being a good representative, I also represented the entire Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (as for some this would be their first interaction with anyone that claimed to be of this faith) and Jesus Christ as well, the pressure to be better and do better increased. That is a lot of pressure to put on a shirt and skirt combination. Thus what did I resign myself to doing? Layering up in order to fit the expected mold, putting aside the inner desires to have all eyes on me; just like I am sure Canada did with all of this snow. Canada is stereotypically thought of as a winter wonderland but actually consists of rolling grassy, green hills with beautiful trees, usually with thick, luscious leaves and thriving forests and a wide variety of plants such as birch and pine trees and juneberry and saskatoon bushes underneath all of the snow. I wonder if Canada ever feels that this snow covers up who they are. I wonder if Canada feels that they resonate more with the rolling green hills and less with the snow covered trees, and I wonder if that makes them feel trapped in keeping things the way that society expects. I wonder if it causes them to feel that they have to constantly conform to this expectation without being who they truly are. I have many thoughts about what Canada truly thinks of itself as a country. I am sure that in reality they may resonate more with the vibrancy of spring and summer and less with their 6-8 month winter season; however, I think it has gotten to the point where life became easier to stick to the way things have been for hundreds of thousands of years. It is easier to just cover up, layer up, and conceal the hidden majesties that lay below the snow because that is what people are expecting. I too felt that overpowering influence of being overshadowed by layers of who I felt was not me. 

I am from a part of the country where winter coats are a humorous topic and where one normally sports bathing suits and flip flops. I remember the fear and anxiety that crept upon me as I planned to live in Canada for over a year. I could not envision living in a place where I would have to layer up against the elements in order to survive the harsh, cold winters. But just like any good, obedient disciple does, I forgot myself and went to work. It was that forgetting that really bothered me however. As I adorned my head with a hat with earmuffs resting atop that, I felt the covers being pulled up. The covering of what was intended to be protective. The covering of what would help me be more like Christ. The covering that ultimately, and probably wrongfully, told me “your personality is just a little too independent of our cause of Christ. So layer up against the unworldly parts of you that will try to shine through”. There was no mention of how this would negatively impact me when I got home however and was expected to be the same old Marin. The same girl who enjoyed laughing at the ridiculousness of comedies and spending countless hours arranging outfits to be new and edgy. This girl was now covered by “missionary Marin” who felt that all of these things were a waste of time and of little importance in the grand scheme of things. 

Here, of course, is where this essay should end; hinting upon the cliches that changing for Christ means that we forget ourselves and turn completely away from who we are and that by so doing we become internally perfect.  Saying something along the lines of: Despite all of this constant need to fit a molded expectation and layer up my personality into something I felt was not me, it can be said that by so doing I helped to refine myself. I was refined into who a disciple was supposed to be. Professional, kind, always considerate of others, and charitable towards those who I may not understand. This refinement process was not easy. The covering of key aspects of my personality and layering up of expected character traits was not something I would want to go through again, but in doing so, I realized that I have become a better representation of the Savior Jesus Christ. And isn’t that what life is all about? Forgetting ourselves and getting closer to the Savior so that we can one day greet Him knowing that we have done all that we can do to become perfect. However, the idea of completely challenging your personality and striving to be your perfect self is impossible to do in this life. By layering your personality with good aspects and key character traits does not in fact make you a perfect person. In fact, it will only serve to impose unrealistic expectations upon yourself and others. I came home from a year and a half of said layering to treating my family and friends as though they were all sinners. And in reality they are, but that does not mean that I am in any way sinless. In fact just by layering Christlike attributes upon myself, I had actually served to hide the true Christlike attributes that I naturally possessed. I hid kindness towards others, the  understanding and empathy of other’s pain, the faith to follow divine guidance and counsel, and the ability to not judge other’s mistakes. Through doing this, I was trying to justify the difficulty of forgetting myself. I was trying to forget the pain I felt by choosing not to allow myself to truly inhibit the room, allowing “Marin” to shine. Once I realized that I was doing this, I was able to uncover who I was as a person. Layer by layer the expectations and implications of being a missionary and being a disciple of Christ were removed and replaced with a personality that was still “Marin” but a more concrete and sure “Marin”. 

This was in no means an easy process. It took months and months of uncovering in order to redefine myself and allow the personality that I had so desperately attempted to cover shine through. Just as what happens to Canada in springtime, the layers of snow do not all disappear over a single night, revealing a beautiful, lush green landscape underneath, that inspires and enchants individuals to come and experience the Canadian culture. No, in fact it takes months to fully have the esssence of snow removed from the hilltops, the sidewalks, and the yards of the citizens. However, through this uncovering process, one comes to fully appreciate the beauty that arises, little by little of the Canadian springtime. If we recognize within ourselves that our own progression towards revealing who we are as disciples of Christ is a slow but steady one, we too will be able to see the beauty that lies therein. We will be able to truly shake the layers that seem to encapsulate our souls and realize that Christ does not want mindless, soulless followers, He wants us to be our own authentic selves, just more refined, not removed.